It's that time of the semester again, the time when I decide how hellish my life will be for the next 5 months. Time to register for Spring courses. Also, time to meet with my advisor and figure out what i'm going to do with my life. And it's also time to worry and panic about whether or not the University will even let me come back next semester.
So, next semester, I will be taking:
1-Calculus II. For the third time. If I don't get it this time, I'm seriously gonna give up on life.
2-Biochemistry II- Assuming I pass Biochemistry I. Who knew I would ever worry about passing a class more than passing Organic? Certainly not me.
3-Microbiology- Should be fun, at least the lab should be fun. I've heard not so fun stories about the exams.
4-Genetics-Should be the easiest course I've taken in a while. I have a really strong genetics background, and the lab is supposed to be really easy.
The advisor did what he does best and made me feel like this was a huge course load, and started talking about what I could drop in the worst case scenario. I was like, WTF? If I can get through the past couple semesters of hellish course loads, I can get through this. Oh, and thanks for having confidence in my abilities. It's not like I'm at the top of the class in your Cell Biology course or anything. douche.
The advisor was also not as helpful as I had hoped in the grad school planning area. although he did tell me that I should skip the Masters degree and go straight into the PhD. And apparently I'm supposed to take the GRE in May.
I'm realizing more and more each day that I'm only 3 semesters away from graduating (hopefully) and that means 3 semesters closer to the real world. 3 semesters from committing myself to something for 6+ years. Is this even what I want to do? do I want to be in school until I'm 28, probably longer? Can I take this life for that long?
Fucking scary.
I was gonna write about the fact that I'm worried about even being allowed back next semester, and my worries about passing all my courses this semester, but that would involve confronting my fears, which would make them real possibilities. Not gonna happen today.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Future Freaks Me Out
I don't have a clear outline for this blog, but my room is clean for the first time in a long while, and I'm still feeling productive, so I'm just gonna write for a while.
It just hit me this week that I'm a junior in college. That means I really need to start looking into grad school. Which means I need to start preparing for the GRE's. I just looked at the practice exams online, and had a serious flashback to SAT's in high school. Only I did well on the SAT's really well, actually. and yet I don't know the answers to the majority of the questions on the practice exam. I seriously feel like I'm back at [crappy regional, overcrowded, public high school]. Trying to figure out the best, most efficient way to find a school, preparing for and taking daunting standardized tests, having an adviser who can't/won't give me advise or guidance. The only main difference is that in high school I knew that I was at the top of my class and would get into my respected first choice school, and now I'm having a hard time imagining any decent schools accepting me.
Not that I have any sort of list of possible schools to apply to. When I was in high school, I kept my college search to my home state. The idea of moving across the country was far too daunting at 18. Now I would have no problem with moving 3,000 miles away. I might even want to. That increases my possibilities by approximately 1000%. Now that's daunting.
And then there's the question of what kind of program I want to apply to. I know I want to go into medical research, but that's a very large field. And I've discovered that a lot of Ph.D programs in the sciences don't necessarily require you to posses a Master's degree, so I could potentially cut out 2 years of school and go straight into PH.D work. Except I don't have anything to make me stand out from the other applicants. I know a guy who is applying to only Ph.D programs, and if he doesn't get accepted, he's not going to go to school at all until he does get into a Ph.D program. I think I'll probably apply to a mic=x if Masters and Ph.D programs, because you could waste years applying and reapplying to Ph.D programs without a masters, when you could have been earning a masters and then getting into a Ph.D program.
And I need to find a summer internship/lab assistant job.
The other night when I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a lab report on time, it occurred to me that I could be so much more productive if I didn't have to sleep. seriously, think about it. we waste 8 hours a day unconscious.
Although, knowing myself, I would probably waste the extra 8 hours doing nothing while conscious anyway.
It just hit me this week that I'm a junior in college. That means I really need to start looking into grad school. Which means I need to start preparing for the GRE's. I just looked at the practice exams online, and had a serious flashback to SAT's in high school. Only I did well on the SAT's really well, actually. and yet I don't know the answers to the majority of the questions on the practice exam. I seriously feel like I'm back at [crappy regional, overcrowded, public high school]. Trying to figure out the best, most efficient way to find a school, preparing for and taking daunting standardized tests, having an adviser who can't/won't give me advise or guidance. The only main difference is that in high school I knew that I was at the top of my class and would get into my respected first choice school, and now I'm having a hard time imagining any decent schools accepting me.
Not that I have any sort of list of possible schools to apply to. When I was in high school, I kept my college search to my home state. The idea of moving across the country was far too daunting at 18. Now I would have no problem with moving 3,000 miles away. I might even want to. That increases my possibilities by approximately 1000%. Now that's daunting.
And then there's the question of what kind of program I want to apply to. I know I want to go into medical research, but that's a very large field. And I've discovered that a lot of Ph.D programs in the sciences don't necessarily require you to posses a Master's degree, so I could potentially cut out 2 years of school and go straight into PH.D work. Except I don't have anything to make me stand out from the other applicants. I know a guy who is applying to only Ph.D programs, and if he doesn't get accepted, he's not going to go to school at all until he does get into a Ph.D program. I think I'll probably apply to a mic=x if Masters and Ph.D programs, because you could waste years applying and reapplying to Ph.D programs without a masters, when you could have been earning a masters and then getting into a Ph.D program.
And I need to find a summer internship/lab assistant job.
The other night when I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a lab report on time, it occurred to me that I could be so much more productive if I didn't have to sleep. seriously, think about it. we waste 8 hours a day unconscious.
Although, knowing myself, I would probably waste the extra 8 hours doing nothing while conscious anyway.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Day In My Head
The following is a summary of the thoughts that have passed through my brain today, inspired by the format of Riese's recent blog entry
12:01 am- I should go to bed.
2 am- ok, I'm in bed, why can't I sleep? Shit, is my Biochemistry lab due tomorrow? ah, fuck it.
7:00 am- fuck off you fucking alarm.
7:15 am- fuck I need to get up or I'll be late for class
7:16- Do I really need to go to class today?
7:17-yes, I really do need to go to class.
7:40- where the fuck is my ID? It should be in the pocket of these jeans, why isn't it in the pocket? What the fuck? When was the last time I had it? yesterday, after I moved my car. Did I leave it in my car? I don't want to have to go all the way to the parking garage. No, I got back into the dorm building with it after moving my car. Where the fuck is it? Why is my room such a fucking mess? fuck, i have to leave now or I'll be late.
7:45-What the hell is my ID doing on the kitchen table? I never leave my shit on the table. whatever, gonna be late
8:00 am-8:50am- organic chemistry, Friedel-Crafts Acylation reactions, am I supposed to remember that shit from last semester? How are these people functioning this early? must keep head down and pretend to write so he doesn't call on me. Oh fuck, those papers on the desk are our exams from last week. I totally failed that exam. shit.
8:50 am- professor says that the exams were good overall, which means I'll feel even more frustrated and disappointed when I fail. ok, moment of truth, flip to the last page.....55% shit...wait...C+....damn, only in organic chemistry is getting half right perfectly acceptable.
8:50-9- talk to Jenna. She did better than me, naturally. She's behind in Organic lab, couldn't get her derivative to crystalize either, shit i hope mine crystalized in the cold room over the weekend.
9-9:50- Biochemistry lecture- membrane transport, blah blah blah, stuff we've already covered in cell bio, falling asleep, shit, the lab report is due today! well, it has to be in his box before he gets to his office tomorrow morning. Whatever, Yennhi says it's an easy lab to write.
10-10:50- Cell Biology lecture- microtubules, cytoskeleton, 9+2 arrangement, basal bodies, thank G-d he posts his lectures online, because I'm not taking intelligible notes.
11:00- back to the dorm, Charlotte looks like she just got up, tell her I'm gonna take a nap, "you don't have class today?" No Charlotte, I've already been in class for 3 hours.
11-1:30 nap
1:35- I need to start my lab report. I need to find a summer internship. I need to start preparing for the GRE exam. I need to find grad schools to apply to. I should go to grad school in NYC. I can't afford NYC. I can't even afford to visit my brother in Oregon during spring break. Why did mom have to kill my excitement? I would have figured out on my own that I can't afford it, couldn't she let me be excited for a little bit and let me ruin my own plans?
2-3:30- various forms of procrastination. I can totally get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get the lab to my professor's office before he gets there. Then I can go back and sleep the rest of the day, I don't have classes on Thursdays. I can totally procrastinate longer.
3:30- ooh, hello Google Reader, I've missed you!
4:30-6 teevee! (no original/significant thoughts produced)
6:00- I haven't eaten today, I should fix that.
6:30- okay, starting lab report, definitely gonna have to get up before dawn to turn it in.
blah blah hemoglobin, cytochrome C, carbonic anhydrase, blah blah blah
11:30- finished lab report. Why the fuck did I wait until so late to do it? fuck, I don't want to wake up early. I'm not even tired now.
12:00- maybe writing a blog will help me sleep?
12:30-OMG Tegan and Sara are playing in Boston on a day when I don't have classes....must call Cristina and force her to come with me.....
12:45- Boston is sold out, and the Northampton show is on Tuesday, and I have classes Tuesday. The world hates me.
12:50- unless Crisitna is willing to pay $60.... she really needs to answer my texts/IMs/emails/facebook messages.
Update, 1:55 pm thursday- We're going to Tegan and Sara! I have incurred a rather large overdraft fee on my debit card, but I don't care. For whatever reason my bank approved the charge and i just got the confirmation email. Now I just need my mom to put more money on my card.....
YAY!
12:01 am- I should go to bed.
2 am- ok, I'm in bed, why can't I sleep? Shit, is my Biochemistry lab due tomorrow? ah, fuck it.
7:00 am- fuck off you fucking alarm.
7:15 am- fuck I need to get up or I'll be late for class
7:16- Do I really need to go to class today?
7:17-yes, I really do need to go to class.
7:40- where the fuck is my ID? It should be in the pocket of these jeans, why isn't it in the pocket? What the fuck? When was the last time I had it? yesterday, after I moved my car. Did I leave it in my car? I don't want to have to go all the way to the parking garage. No, I got back into the dorm building with it after moving my car. Where the fuck is it? Why is my room such a fucking mess? fuck, i have to leave now or I'll be late.
7:45-What the hell is my ID doing on the kitchen table? I never leave my shit on the table. whatever, gonna be late
8:00 am-8:50am- organic chemistry, Friedel-Crafts Acylation reactions, am I supposed to remember that shit from last semester? How are these people functioning this early? must keep head down and pretend to write so he doesn't call on me. Oh fuck, those papers on the desk are our exams from last week. I totally failed that exam. shit.
8:50 am- professor says that the exams were good overall, which means I'll feel even more frustrated and disappointed when I fail. ok, moment of truth, flip to the last page.....55% shit...wait...C+....damn, only in organic chemistry is getting half right perfectly acceptable.
8:50-9- talk to Jenna. She did better than me, naturally. She's behind in Organic lab, couldn't get her derivative to crystalize either, shit i hope mine crystalized in the cold room over the weekend.
9-9:50- Biochemistry lecture- membrane transport, blah blah blah, stuff we've already covered in cell bio, falling asleep, shit, the lab report is due today! well, it has to be in his box before he gets to his office tomorrow morning. Whatever, Yennhi says it's an easy lab to write.
10-10:50- Cell Biology lecture- microtubules, cytoskeleton, 9+2 arrangement, basal bodies, thank G-d he posts his lectures online, because I'm not taking intelligible notes.
11:00- back to the dorm, Charlotte looks like she just got up, tell her I'm gonna take a nap, "you don't have class today?" No Charlotte, I've already been in class for 3 hours.
11-1:30 nap
1:35- I need to start my lab report. I need to find a summer internship. I need to start preparing for the GRE exam. I need to find grad schools to apply to. I should go to grad school in NYC. I can't afford NYC. I can't even afford to visit my brother in Oregon during spring break. Why did mom have to kill my excitement? I would have figured out on my own that I can't afford it, couldn't she let me be excited for a little bit and let me ruin my own plans?
2-3:30- various forms of procrastination. I can totally get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get the lab to my professor's office before he gets there. Then I can go back and sleep the rest of the day, I don't have classes on Thursdays. I can totally procrastinate longer.
3:30- ooh, hello Google Reader, I've missed you!
4:30-6 teevee! (no original/significant thoughts produced)
6:00- I haven't eaten today, I should fix that.
6:30- okay, starting lab report, definitely gonna have to get up before dawn to turn it in.
blah blah hemoglobin, cytochrome C, carbonic anhydrase, blah blah blah
11:30- finished lab report. Why the fuck did I wait until so late to do it? fuck, I don't want to wake up early. I'm not even tired now.
12:00- maybe writing a blog will help me sleep?
12:30-OMG Tegan and Sara are playing in Boston on a day when I don't have classes....must call Cristina and force her to come with me.....
12:45- Boston is sold out, and the Northampton show is on Tuesday, and I have classes Tuesday. The world hates me.
12:50- unless Crisitna is willing to pay $60.... she really needs to answer my texts/IMs/emails/facebook messages.
Update, 1:55 pm thursday- We're going to Tegan and Sara! I have incurred a rather large overdraft fee on my debit card, but I don't care. For whatever reason my bank approved the charge and i just got the confirmation email. Now I just need my mom to put more money on my card.....
YAY!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
my life is a constant anxiety attack
Once again, I'm writing instead of working. I have midterm exams tomorrow, 3 to be exact. I spent so long studying in the library today that I used up more than half of my mp3 player's battery power. So now its 9, and I still need to write a fucking lab report. argh.
I just checked my email and found this email from my chemistry professor:
Although, one has to be insane to get a Ph.D in Organic Chemistry.
(Disclaimer: Professor. T is the best professor I have ever had, he's just fucking insane!)
Anyway, I was going to start this post with an explanation of the title, but got sidetracked by the email. So, back on track
I have ADHD. I have and anxiety disorder. what do you get when you mix Ritalin with an anxiety disorder and add pressure? A constant anxiety attack. Something in the Ritalin aggravates the anxiety disorder so that whenever I'm on my meds and under stress (Read: all the time) I have a constant sense of anxiousness, with accelerated heart rate, tight feeling in my chest etc. It's not a severe, find-me-in-the-corner-in-the-fetal-position anxiety attack, but its not pleasant. And it sucks.
I was going to write more but I now realize that it is 9:30, I still have to write my lab report, and be up at 6. So that's it for now. I'll be back on Tuesday when I get back from my "midterm break" which is simply Columbus Day weekend, but they have to give us a midterm break, so, hey, why not combine the two?
I just checked my email and found this email from my chemistry professor:
Dear Johanna,
Having now written the exam, I expect to allow the class a little extra time tomorrow. You may start at 6:45 if you wish.
Cheers,
Prof. T.
Although, one has to be insane to get a Ph.D in Organic Chemistry.
(Disclaimer: Professor. T is the best professor I have ever had, he's just fucking insane!)
Anyway, I was going to start this post with an explanation of the title, but got sidetracked by the email. So, back on track
I have ADHD. I have and anxiety disorder. what do you get when you mix Ritalin with an anxiety disorder and add pressure? A constant anxiety attack. Something in the Ritalin aggravates the anxiety disorder so that whenever I'm on my meds and under stress (Read: all the time) I have a constant sense of anxiousness, with accelerated heart rate, tight feeling in my chest etc. It's not a severe, find-me-in-the-corner-in-the-fetal-position anxiety attack, but its not pleasant. And it sucks.
I was going to write more but I now realize that it is 9:30, I still have to write my lab report, and be up at 6. So that's it for now. I'll be back on Tuesday when I get back from my "midterm break" which is simply Columbus Day weekend, but they have to give us a midterm break, so, hey, why not combine the two?
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