One Step Closer to the Edge

So I'm back, I guess. I don't have any particular desire to blog, but I feel like if I don't then there's absolutely no chance of me getting two more weeks until the end of finals and my appointment with my shrink without having a complete breakdown.

After returning to school after the funeral, I buried myself in my work, tricking myself into thinking I was okay. I didn't give myself any reason to feel emotion, so I didn't notice I was completely numb. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and the Tegan and Sara concert. Unfortunately, it was the concert that made me realize I wasn't doing as well as I had led myself to believe I was.

Basically, what happened was that Friend A was supposed to go to the concert with me. The night before, something work related came up that she couldn't get out of, so she had to bail. So then Friend B planned on going to the concert with me. Then 4 hours before the start of the concert, 1 hour before I needed to be on the way to Boston for the show, Friend B calls to tell me that she's still at school, 4+ hours away and there's no way she''l be able to make it. So then I called Acquaintance C, who I've only had very limited contact with since graduation, and awkwardly asked if she wanted to go. Nope. Cue the beginning of my mini breakdown.

Called every other friend from home I could think of (all 2 of them) and a couple friends from the Boston area, leaving desperate voicemails. I was pretty much in tears. Then my Mom got home from work, and me being a wreck turned into us having a fight. Finally, Friend K called and said he would go, even though he had no idea who Tegan and Sara were. He's kinda awesome.

So we got to the concert, and were ushered to our seats. To my disappointment, the tickets actually read "Row GG" , not "Row G", meaning we were in the 34th row, not the 7th. whatever, I could still see. At this point, I was still expecting the next two hours to be amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, a Tegan and Sara concert could never be bad, but the entire time I felt so numb. Tegan and Sara were on stage, playing my favorite songs, the bass was pumping through my body, and I was standing there, feeling nothing. I actually caught myself worrying about school.

I ended up crying in my car on the drive home.

That was almost a month ago. Now that I've realized that I'm depressed, I can't trick myself anymore. I can't motivate myself to do my work, to study, to care about anything. Which sucks, because now I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail Biochemistry, which will at best result in me graduating a semester late, and in the worse case scenario, could potentially get me kicked out of school. And then there's the wonderful conversations the parents have sat me down to have, regarding the fact that there's no more money left for school.

And then on top of all the school related worries, I'm constantly worried about Tim. His medical problems are getting worse, and I can see him getting him more and more discouraged every time I talk to him. And I know that as hard as Kerry's death is on me, it's even harder on him.

So I had to get this all out somehow. I know I should talk to someone, but I just don't have the energy. which is ironic, considering how much I've been sleeping lately. ah, depression.

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
-A Fine Frenzy

p.s.- thank you to those of you who commented on the last post. And to whoever lives in Vestal for checking my blog so much. You make me feel important :)