Time Flies When You're Slacking Off

Once again, I'm blogging when I should be doing other things. I think every blog post I've ever published was written either (a) when I had a shitload of things to do and absolutely should not have been blogging, or (b) when my life was falling apart. Today is mostly a, with a little bit of b looming imminently.

Last summer I spent 3 months unemployed, living at home with the parents. Absolute hell. While I now appreciate the fact that I was unemployed, as it allowed me to spend lots of quality time (which I had no idea would be among the last times) with Kerry, I absolutely refuse to repeat last summer again. So, I have applied to 4 summer research programs, 8 lab tech positions, 3 biotech internships, and emailed 10 scientists at the nearby grad school inquiring about lab assistant jobs. According to the law of averages, I have to get something...right? Right.

Right now I should be studying for my Microbiology exam, my biochemistry quiz (on the mechanisms of the TCA cycle- probably only Prin will appreciate the agony associated with this subject), finishing the summer program applications that are due Monday...and oh yeah, I should be at my biochem discussion section. whoops.

I had three lectures this morning. I slept through them all. Apparently my drug induced happiness is a bit fragile. On Monday I was very pleased with myself for pulling my shit together and doing well so far this semester. Then I asked my Advisor for a letter of recommendation for the summer program applications, and since I got a C- in his class due to the personal horror that was last semester, he says he can't write me a strong letter. So I'll have a good letter from my biochem prof, who understands that last semester was the first time when academics weren't my top priority in life, and knows I'm good in the lab, and that I'm hard working and determined as hell, and that I just had a few months where this whole school thing was put into perspective and it's a small miracle that I didn't flunk out of school. And I'll have Dr. L's letter.

Next week is Spring Break for me, and instead of spending my junior year spring break somewhere warm getting drunk with friends, guess what I get to do? I'm getting all 4 of my impacted wisdom teeth pulled. Oh joy.

This is me before I come undone.
This is me before I fall apart.
I've been tired for days and days.
I've been tired for days and days.

(For ten points, who can name that song? Or, better yet, who can tell me where to obtain it?)

wheeeee!

It's fascinating how much effect 25 additional mg of Zoloft can have.

In other happy news, I passed all my classes last semester, which makes me absolutely giddy. Granted, I got a few C's, which according to the insane rules of my university means I'm still on academic probation. Whatever, that just means I have to meet with my advisor twice a month. whatever.

breathing a sigh of relief. Now maybe my insomnia will go away.

2007 is definitely looking better than 2008.

I'd rather not do that again, please

This year was the first time when I sat down on New Year's Eve and thought about the past year that I thought "wow, that really fucking sucked."

So here's to hoping 2008 is a hell of a lot better than 2007. But really, it has to be....right?

Going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow, gonna make her earn her co-pay for once.

One Step Closer to the Edge

So I'm back, I guess. I don't have any particular desire to blog, but I feel like if I don't then there's absolutely no chance of me getting two more weeks until the end of finals and my appointment with my shrink without having a complete breakdown.

After returning to school after the funeral, I buried myself in my work, tricking myself into thinking I was okay. I didn't give myself any reason to feel emotion, so I didn't notice I was completely numb. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and the Tegan and Sara concert. Unfortunately, it was the concert that made me realize I wasn't doing as well as I had led myself to believe I was.

Basically, what happened was that Friend A was supposed to go to the concert with me. The night before, something work related came up that she couldn't get out of, so she had to bail. So then Friend B planned on going to the concert with me. Then 4 hours before the start of the concert, 1 hour before I needed to be on the way to Boston for the show, Friend B calls to tell me that she's still at school, 4+ hours away and there's no way she''l be able to make it. So then I called Acquaintance C, who I've only had very limited contact with since graduation, and awkwardly asked if she wanted to go. Nope. Cue the beginning of my mini breakdown.

Called every other friend from home I could think of (all 2 of them) and a couple friends from the Boston area, leaving desperate voicemails. I was pretty much in tears. Then my Mom got home from work, and me being a wreck turned into us having a fight. Finally, Friend K called and said he would go, even though he had no idea who Tegan and Sara were. He's kinda awesome.

So we got to the concert, and were ushered to our seats. To my disappointment, the tickets actually read "Row GG" , not "Row G", meaning we were in the 34th row, not the 7th. whatever, I could still see. At this point, I was still expecting the next two hours to be amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, a Tegan and Sara concert could never be bad, but the entire time I felt so numb. Tegan and Sara were on stage, playing my favorite songs, the bass was pumping through my body, and I was standing there, feeling nothing. I actually caught myself worrying about school.

I ended up crying in my car on the drive home.

That was almost a month ago. Now that I've realized that I'm depressed, I can't trick myself anymore. I can't motivate myself to do my work, to study, to care about anything. Which sucks, because now I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail Biochemistry, which will at best result in me graduating a semester late, and in the worse case scenario, could potentially get me kicked out of school. And then there's the wonderful conversations the parents have sat me down to have, regarding the fact that there's no more money left for school.

And then on top of all the school related worries, I'm constantly worried about Tim. His medical problems are getting worse, and I can see him getting him more and more discouraged every time I talk to him. And I know that as hard as Kerry's death is on me, it's even harder on him.

So I had to get this all out somehow. I know I should talk to someone, but I just don't have the energy. which is ironic, considering how much I've been sleeping lately. ah, depression.

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
-A Fine Frenzy

p.s.- thank you to those of you who commented on the last post. And to whoever lives in Vestal for checking my blog so much. You make me feel important :)

Hello Rock Bottom, Nice to Meet You

Last Friday (the 2nd) I received the most devastating phone call of my life, when my best friend Tim called to tell me that my (other) best friend Kerry had passed away. She was 21, would have turned 22 on Nov. 20th, truly healthy and happy for possibly the first time in her life, and when she took a nap before her afternoon class, she didn't wake up.

Friday night was the lowest point in my entire life. I thought about blogging in more depth about the past week, but right now, when I have a small amount of closure (or maybe I'm simply compartmentalizing my emotions, which is probably more likely) and a whole weeks of lectures and exams to make up, I just can't relive the past week.

I may not post again for awhile, on account of the massive amounts of work I have and the fact that life occurrences now seem so insignificant, but I'll be around. And eventually I'll be back.

keeps me on my toes where did the time go

It's that time of the semester again, the time when I decide how hellish my life will be for the next 5 months. Time to register for Spring courses. Also, time to meet with my advisor and figure out what i'm going to do with my life. And it's also time to worry and panic about whether or not the University will even let me come back next semester.

So, next semester, I will be taking:
1-Calculus II. For the third time. If I don't get it this time, I'm seriously gonna give up on life.
2-Biochemistry II- Assuming I pass Biochemistry I. Who knew I would ever worry about passing a class more than passing Organic? Certainly not me.
3-Microbiology- Should be fun, at least the lab should be fun. I've heard not so fun stories about the exams.
4-Genetics-Should be the easiest course I've taken in a while. I have a really strong genetics background, and the lab is supposed to be really easy.

The advisor did what he does best and made me feel like this was a huge course load, and started talking about what I could drop in the worst case scenario. I was like, WTF? If I can get through the past couple semesters of hellish course loads, I can get through this. Oh, and thanks for having confidence in my abilities. It's not like I'm at the top of the class in your Cell Biology course or anything. douche.

The advisor was also not as helpful as I had hoped in the grad school planning area. although he did tell me that I should skip the Masters degree and go straight into the PhD. And apparently I'm supposed to take the GRE in May.

I'm realizing more and more each day that I'm only 3 semesters away from graduating (hopefully) and that means 3 semesters closer to the real world. 3 semesters from committing myself to something for 6+ years. Is this even what I want to do? do I want to be in school until I'm 28, probably longer? Can I take this life for that long?

Fucking scary.

I was gonna write about the fact that I'm worried about even being allowed back next semester, and my worries about passing all my courses this semester, but that would involve confronting my fears, which would make them real possibilities. Not gonna happen today.

The Future Freaks Me Out

I don't have a clear outline for this blog, but my room is clean for the first time in a long while, and I'm still feeling productive, so I'm just gonna write for a while.

It just hit me this week that I'm a junior in college. That means I really need to start looking into grad school. Which means I need to start preparing for the GRE's. I just looked at the practice exams online, and had a serious flashback to SAT's in high school. Only I did well on the SAT's really well, actually. and yet I don't know the answers to the majority of the questions on the practice exam. I seriously feel like I'm back at [crappy regional, overcrowded, public high school]. Trying to figure out the best, most efficient way to find a school, preparing for and taking daunting standardized tests, having an adviser who can't/won't give me advise or guidance. The only main difference is that in high school I knew that I was at the top of my class and would get into my respected first choice school, and now I'm having a hard time imagining any decent schools accepting me.

Not that I have any sort of list of possible schools to apply to. When I was in high school, I kept my college search to my home state. The idea of moving across the country was far too daunting at 18. Now I would have no problem with moving 3,000 miles away. I might even want to. That increases my possibilities by approximately 1000%. Now that's daunting.

And then there's the question of what kind of program I want to apply to. I know I want to go into medical research, but that's a very large field. And I've discovered that a lot of Ph.D programs in the sciences don't necessarily require you to posses a Master's degree, so I could potentially cut out 2 years of school and go straight into PH.D work. Except I don't have anything to make me stand out from the other applicants. I know a guy who is applying to only Ph.D programs, and if he doesn't get accepted, he's not going to go to school at all until he does get into a Ph.D program. I think I'll probably apply to a mic=x if Masters and Ph.D programs, because you could waste years applying and reapplying to Ph.D programs without a masters, when you could have been earning a masters and then getting into a Ph.D program.

And I need to find a summer internship/lab assistant job.

The other night when I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a lab report on time, it occurred to me that I could be so much more productive if I didn't have to sleep. seriously, think about it. we waste 8 hours a day unconscious.

Although, knowing myself, I would probably waste the extra 8 hours doing nothing while conscious anyway.