So I'm back, I guess. I don't have any particular desire to blog, but I feel like if I don't then there's absolutely no chance of me getting two more weeks until the end of finals and my appointment with my shrink without having a complete breakdown.
After returning to school after the funeral, I buried myself in my work, tricking myself into thinking I was okay. I didn't give myself any reason to feel emotion, so I didn't notice I was completely numb. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and the Tegan and Sara concert. Unfortunately, it was the concert that made me realize I wasn't doing as well as I had led myself to believe I was.
Basically, what happened was that Friend A was supposed to go to the concert with me. The night before, something work related came up that she couldn't get out of, so she had to bail. So then Friend B planned on going to the concert with me. Then 4 hours before the start of the concert, 1 hour before I needed to be on the way to Boston for the show, Friend B calls to tell me that she's still at school, 4+ hours away and there's no way she''l be able to make it. So then I called Acquaintance C, who I've only had very limited contact with since graduation, and awkwardly asked if she wanted to go. Nope. Cue the beginning of my mini breakdown.
Called every other friend from home I could think of (all 2 of them) and a couple friends from the Boston area, leaving desperate voicemails. I was pretty much in tears. Then my Mom got home from work, and me being a wreck turned into us having a fight. Finally, Friend K called and said he would go, even though he had no idea who Tegan and Sara were. He's kinda awesome.
So we got to the concert, and were ushered to our seats. To my disappointment, the tickets actually read "Row GG" , not "Row G", meaning we were in the 34th row, not the 7th. whatever, I could still see. At this point, I was still expecting the next two hours to be amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, a Tegan and Sara concert could never be bad, but the entire time I felt so numb. Tegan and Sara were on stage, playing my favorite songs, the bass was pumping through my body, and I was standing there, feeling nothing. I actually caught myself worrying about school.
I ended up crying in my car on the drive home.
That was almost a month ago. Now that I've realized that I'm depressed, I can't trick myself anymore. I can't motivate myself to do my work, to study, to care about anything. Which sucks, because now I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail Biochemistry, which will at best result in me graduating a semester late, and in the worse case scenario, could potentially get me kicked out of school. And then there's the wonderful conversations the parents have sat me down to have, regarding the fact that there's no more money left for school.
And then on top of all the school related worries, I'm constantly worried about Tim. His medical problems are getting worse, and I can see him getting him more and more discouraged every time I talk to him. And I know that as hard as Kerry's death is on me, it's even harder on him.
So I had to get this all out somehow. I know I should talk to someone, but I just don't have the energy. which is ironic, considering how much I've been sleeping lately. ah, depression.
The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
-A Fine Frenzy
p.s.- thank you to those of you who commented on the last post. And to whoever lives in Vestal for checking my blog so much. You make me feel important :)
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Hello Rock Bottom, Nice to Meet You
Last Friday (the 2nd) I received the most devastating phone call of my life, when my best friend Tim called to tell me that my (other) best friend Kerry had passed away. She was 21, would have turned 22 on Nov. 20th, truly healthy and happy for possibly the first time in her life, and when she took a nap before her afternoon class, she didn't wake up.
Friday night was the lowest point in my entire life. I thought about blogging in more depth about the past week, but right now, when I have a small amount of closure (or maybe I'm simply compartmentalizing my emotions, which is probably more likely) and a whole weeks of lectures and exams to make up, I just can't relive the past week.
I may not post again for awhile, on account of the massive amounts of work I have and the fact that life occurrences now seem so insignificant, but I'll be around. And eventually I'll be back.
Friday night was the lowest point in my entire life. I thought about blogging in more depth about the past week, but right now, when I have a small amount of closure (or maybe I'm simply compartmentalizing my emotions, which is probably more likely) and a whole weeks of lectures and exams to make up, I just can't relive the past week.
I may not post again for awhile, on account of the massive amounts of work I have and the fact that life occurrences now seem so insignificant, but I'll be around. And eventually I'll be back.
Friday, October 26, 2007
keeps me on my toes where did the time go
It's that time of the semester again, the time when I decide how hellish my life will be for the next 5 months. Time to register for Spring courses. Also, time to meet with my advisor and figure out what i'm going to do with my life. And it's also time to worry and panic about whether or not the University will even let me come back next semester.
So, next semester, I will be taking:
1-Calculus II. For the third time. If I don't get it this time, I'm seriously gonna give up on life.
2-Biochemistry II- Assuming I pass Biochemistry I. Who knew I would ever worry about passing a class more than passing Organic? Certainly not me.
3-Microbiology- Should be fun, at least the lab should be fun. I've heard not so fun stories about the exams.
4-Genetics-Should be the easiest course I've taken in a while. I have a really strong genetics background, and the lab is supposed to be really easy.
The advisor did what he does best and made me feel like this was a huge course load, and started talking about what I could drop in the worst case scenario. I was like, WTF? If I can get through the past couple semesters of hellish course loads, I can get through this. Oh, and thanks for having confidence in my abilities. It's not like I'm at the top of the class in your Cell Biology course or anything. douche.
The advisor was also not as helpful as I had hoped in the grad school planning area. although he did tell me that I should skip the Masters degree and go straight into the PhD. And apparently I'm supposed to take the GRE in May.
I'm realizing more and more each day that I'm only 3 semesters away from graduating (hopefully) and that means 3 semesters closer to the real world. 3 semesters from committing myself to something for 6+ years. Is this even what I want to do? do I want to be in school until I'm 28, probably longer? Can I take this life for that long?
Fucking scary.
I was gonna write about the fact that I'm worried about even being allowed back next semester, and my worries about passing all my courses this semester, but that would involve confronting my fears, which would make them real possibilities. Not gonna happen today.
So, next semester, I will be taking:
1-Calculus II. For the third time. If I don't get it this time, I'm seriously gonna give up on life.
2-Biochemistry II- Assuming I pass Biochemistry I. Who knew I would ever worry about passing a class more than passing Organic? Certainly not me.
3-Microbiology- Should be fun, at least the lab should be fun. I've heard not so fun stories about the exams.
4-Genetics-Should be the easiest course I've taken in a while. I have a really strong genetics background, and the lab is supposed to be really easy.
The advisor did what he does best and made me feel like this was a huge course load, and started talking about what I could drop in the worst case scenario. I was like, WTF? If I can get through the past couple semesters of hellish course loads, I can get through this. Oh, and thanks for having confidence in my abilities. It's not like I'm at the top of the class in your Cell Biology course or anything. douche.
The advisor was also not as helpful as I had hoped in the grad school planning area. although he did tell me that I should skip the Masters degree and go straight into the PhD. And apparently I'm supposed to take the GRE in May.
I'm realizing more and more each day that I'm only 3 semesters away from graduating (hopefully) and that means 3 semesters closer to the real world. 3 semesters from committing myself to something for 6+ years. Is this even what I want to do? do I want to be in school until I'm 28, probably longer? Can I take this life for that long?
Fucking scary.
I was gonna write about the fact that I'm worried about even being allowed back next semester, and my worries about passing all my courses this semester, but that would involve confronting my fears, which would make them real possibilities. Not gonna happen today.
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Future Freaks Me Out
I don't have a clear outline for this blog, but my room is clean for the first time in a long while, and I'm still feeling productive, so I'm just gonna write for a while.
It just hit me this week that I'm a junior in college. That means I really need to start looking into grad school. Which means I need to start preparing for the GRE's. I just looked at the practice exams online, and had a serious flashback to SAT's in high school. Only I did well on the SAT's really well, actually. and yet I don't know the answers to the majority of the questions on the practice exam. I seriously feel like I'm back at [crappy regional, overcrowded, public high school]. Trying to figure out the best, most efficient way to find a school, preparing for and taking daunting standardized tests, having an adviser who can't/won't give me advise or guidance. The only main difference is that in high school I knew that I was at the top of my class and would get into my respected first choice school, and now I'm having a hard time imagining any decent schools accepting me.
Not that I have any sort of list of possible schools to apply to. When I was in high school, I kept my college search to my home state. The idea of moving across the country was far too daunting at 18. Now I would have no problem with moving 3,000 miles away. I might even want to. That increases my possibilities by approximately 1000%. Now that's daunting.
And then there's the question of what kind of program I want to apply to. I know I want to go into medical research, but that's a very large field. And I've discovered that a lot of Ph.D programs in the sciences don't necessarily require you to posses a Master's degree, so I could potentially cut out 2 years of school and go straight into PH.D work. Except I don't have anything to make me stand out from the other applicants. I know a guy who is applying to only Ph.D programs, and if he doesn't get accepted, he's not going to go to school at all until he does get into a Ph.D program. I think I'll probably apply to a mic=x if Masters and Ph.D programs, because you could waste years applying and reapplying to Ph.D programs without a masters, when you could have been earning a masters and then getting into a Ph.D program.
And I need to find a summer internship/lab assistant job.
The other night when I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a lab report on time, it occurred to me that I could be so much more productive if I didn't have to sleep. seriously, think about it. we waste 8 hours a day unconscious.
Although, knowing myself, I would probably waste the extra 8 hours doing nothing while conscious anyway.
It just hit me this week that I'm a junior in college. That means I really need to start looking into grad school. Which means I need to start preparing for the GRE's. I just looked at the practice exams online, and had a serious flashback to SAT's in high school. Only I did well on the SAT's really well, actually. and yet I don't know the answers to the majority of the questions on the practice exam. I seriously feel like I'm back at [crappy regional, overcrowded, public high school]. Trying to figure out the best, most efficient way to find a school, preparing for and taking daunting standardized tests, having an adviser who can't/won't give me advise or guidance. The only main difference is that in high school I knew that I was at the top of my class and would get into my respected first choice school, and now I'm having a hard time imagining any decent schools accepting me.
Not that I have any sort of list of possible schools to apply to. When I was in high school, I kept my college search to my home state. The idea of moving across the country was far too daunting at 18. Now I would have no problem with moving 3,000 miles away. I might even want to. That increases my possibilities by approximately 1000%. Now that's daunting.
And then there's the question of what kind of program I want to apply to. I know I want to go into medical research, but that's a very large field. And I've discovered that a lot of Ph.D programs in the sciences don't necessarily require you to posses a Master's degree, so I could potentially cut out 2 years of school and go straight into PH.D work. Except I don't have anything to make me stand out from the other applicants. I know a guy who is applying to only Ph.D programs, and if he doesn't get accepted, he's not going to go to school at all until he does get into a Ph.D program. I think I'll probably apply to a mic=x if Masters and Ph.D programs, because you could waste years applying and reapplying to Ph.D programs without a masters, when you could have been earning a masters and then getting into a Ph.D program.
And I need to find a summer internship/lab assistant job.
The other night when I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a lab report on time, it occurred to me that I could be so much more productive if I didn't have to sleep. seriously, think about it. we waste 8 hours a day unconscious.
Although, knowing myself, I would probably waste the extra 8 hours doing nothing while conscious anyway.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Day In My Head
The following is a summary of the thoughts that have passed through my brain today, inspired by the format of Riese's recent blog entry
12:01 am- I should go to bed.
2 am- ok, I'm in bed, why can't I sleep? Shit, is my Biochemistry lab due tomorrow? ah, fuck it.
7:00 am- fuck off you fucking alarm.
7:15 am- fuck I need to get up or I'll be late for class
7:16- Do I really need to go to class today?
7:17-yes, I really do need to go to class.
7:40- where the fuck is my ID? It should be in the pocket of these jeans, why isn't it in the pocket? What the fuck? When was the last time I had it? yesterday, after I moved my car. Did I leave it in my car? I don't want to have to go all the way to the parking garage. No, I got back into the dorm building with it after moving my car. Where the fuck is it? Why is my room such a fucking mess? fuck, i have to leave now or I'll be late.
7:45-What the hell is my ID doing on the kitchen table? I never leave my shit on the table. whatever, gonna be late
8:00 am-8:50am- organic chemistry, Friedel-Crafts Acylation reactions, am I supposed to remember that shit from last semester? How are these people functioning this early? must keep head down and pretend to write so he doesn't call on me. Oh fuck, those papers on the desk are our exams from last week. I totally failed that exam. shit.
8:50 am- professor says that the exams were good overall, which means I'll feel even more frustrated and disappointed when I fail. ok, moment of truth, flip to the last page.....55% shit...wait...C+....damn, only in organic chemistry is getting half right perfectly acceptable.
8:50-9- talk to Jenna. She did better than me, naturally. She's behind in Organic lab, couldn't get her derivative to crystalize either, shit i hope mine crystalized in the cold room over the weekend.
9-9:50- Biochemistry lecture- membrane transport, blah blah blah, stuff we've already covered in cell bio, falling asleep, shit, the lab report is due today! well, it has to be in his box before he gets to his office tomorrow morning. Whatever, Yennhi says it's an easy lab to write.
10-10:50- Cell Biology lecture- microtubules, cytoskeleton, 9+2 arrangement, basal bodies, thank G-d he posts his lectures online, because I'm not taking intelligible notes.
11:00- back to the dorm, Charlotte looks like she just got up, tell her I'm gonna take a nap, "you don't have class today?" No Charlotte, I've already been in class for 3 hours.
11-1:30 nap
1:35- I need to start my lab report. I need to find a summer internship. I need to start preparing for the GRE exam. I need to find grad schools to apply to. I should go to grad school in NYC. I can't afford NYC. I can't even afford to visit my brother in Oregon during spring break. Why did mom have to kill my excitement? I would have figured out on my own that I can't afford it, couldn't she let me be excited for a little bit and let me ruin my own plans?
2-3:30- various forms of procrastination. I can totally get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get the lab to my professor's office before he gets there. Then I can go back and sleep the rest of the day, I don't have classes on Thursdays. I can totally procrastinate longer.
3:30- ooh, hello Google Reader, I've missed you!
4:30-6 teevee! (no original/significant thoughts produced)
6:00- I haven't eaten today, I should fix that.
6:30- okay, starting lab report, definitely gonna have to get up before dawn to turn it in.
blah blah hemoglobin, cytochrome C, carbonic anhydrase, blah blah blah
11:30- finished lab report. Why the fuck did I wait until so late to do it? fuck, I don't want to wake up early. I'm not even tired now.
12:00- maybe writing a blog will help me sleep?
12:30-OMG Tegan and Sara are playing in Boston on a day when I don't have classes....must call Cristina and force her to come with me.....
12:45- Boston is sold out, and the Northampton show is on Tuesday, and I have classes Tuesday. The world hates me.
12:50- unless Crisitna is willing to pay $60.... she really needs to answer my texts/IMs/emails/facebook messages.
Update, 1:55 pm thursday- We're going to Tegan and Sara! I have incurred a rather large overdraft fee on my debit card, but I don't care. For whatever reason my bank approved the charge and i just got the confirmation email. Now I just need my mom to put more money on my card.....
YAY!
12:01 am- I should go to bed.
2 am- ok, I'm in bed, why can't I sleep? Shit, is my Biochemistry lab due tomorrow? ah, fuck it.
7:00 am- fuck off you fucking alarm.
7:15 am- fuck I need to get up or I'll be late for class
7:16- Do I really need to go to class today?
7:17-yes, I really do need to go to class.
7:40- where the fuck is my ID? It should be in the pocket of these jeans, why isn't it in the pocket? What the fuck? When was the last time I had it? yesterday, after I moved my car. Did I leave it in my car? I don't want to have to go all the way to the parking garage. No, I got back into the dorm building with it after moving my car. Where the fuck is it? Why is my room such a fucking mess? fuck, i have to leave now or I'll be late.
7:45-What the hell is my ID doing on the kitchen table? I never leave my shit on the table. whatever, gonna be late
8:00 am-8:50am- organic chemistry, Friedel-Crafts Acylation reactions, am I supposed to remember that shit from last semester? How are these people functioning this early? must keep head down and pretend to write so he doesn't call on me. Oh fuck, those papers on the desk are our exams from last week. I totally failed that exam. shit.
8:50 am- professor says that the exams were good overall, which means I'll feel even more frustrated and disappointed when I fail. ok, moment of truth, flip to the last page.....55% shit...wait...C+....damn, only in organic chemistry is getting half right perfectly acceptable.
8:50-9- talk to Jenna. She did better than me, naturally. She's behind in Organic lab, couldn't get her derivative to crystalize either, shit i hope mine crystalized in the cold room over the weekend.
9-9:50- Biochemistry lecture- membrane transport, blah blah blah, stuff we've already covered in cell bio, falling asleep, shit, the lab report is due today! well, it has to be in his box before he gets to his office tomorrow morning. Whatever, Yennhi says it's an easy lab to write.
10-10:50- Cell Biology lecture- microtubules, cytoskeleton, 9+2 arrangement, basal bodies, thank G-d he posts his lectures online, because I'm not taking intelligible notes.
11:00- back to the dorm, Charlotte looks like she just got up, tell her I'm gonna take a nap, "you don't have class today?" No Charlotte, I've already been in class for 3 hours.
11-1:30 nap
1:35- I need to start my lab report. I need to find a summer internship. I need to start preparing for the GRE exam. I need to find grad schools to apply to. I should go to grad school in NYC. I can't afford NYC. I can't even afford to visit my brother in Oregon during spring break. Why did mom have to kill my excitement? I would have figured out on my own that I can't afford it, couldn't she let me be excited for a little bit and let me ruin my own plans?
2-3:30- various forms of procrastination. I can totally get up at 5:30 tomorrow and get the lab to my professor's office before he gets there. Then I can go back and sleep the rest of the day, I don't have classes on Thursdays. I can totally procrastinate longer.
3:30- ooh, hello Google Reader, I've missed you!
4:30-6 teevee! (no original/significant thoughts produced)
6:00- I haven't eaten today, I should fix that.
6:30- okay, starting lab report, definitely gonna have to get up before dawn to turn it in.
blah blah hemoglobin, cytochrome C, carbonic anhydrase, blah blah blah
11:30- finished lab report. Why the fuck did I wait until so late to do it? fuck, I don't want to wake up early. I'm not even tired now.
12:00- maybe writing a blog will help me sleep?
12:30-OMG Tegan and Sara are playing in Boston on a day when I don't have classes....must call Cristina and force her to come with me.....
12:45- Boston is sold out, and the Northampton show is on Tuesday, and I have classes Tuesday. The world hates me.
12:50- unless Crisitna is willing to pay $60.... she really needs to answer my texts/IMs/emails/facebook messages.
Update, 1:55 pm thursday- We're going to Tegan and Sara! I have incurred a rather large overdraft fee on my debit card, but I don't care. For whatever reason my bank approved the charge and i just got the confirmation email. Now I just need my mom to put more money on my card.....
YAY!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
my life is a constant anxiety attack
Once again, I'm writing instead of working. I have midterm exams tomorrow, 3 to be exact. I spent so long studying in the library today that I used up more than half of my mp3 player's battery power. So now its 9, and I still need to write a fucking lab report. argh.
I just checked my email and found this email from my chemistry professor:
Although, one has to be insane to get a Ph.D in Organic Chemistry.
(Disclaimer: Professor. T is the best professor I have ever had, he's just fucking insane!)
Anyway, I was going to start this post with an explanation of the title, but got sidetracked by the email. So, back on track
I have ADHD. I have and anxiety disorder. what do you get when you mix Ritalin with an anxiety disorder and add pressure? A constant anxiety attack. Something in the Ritalin aggravates the anxiety disorder so that whenever I'm on my meds and under stress (Read: all the time) I have a constant sense of anxiousness, with accelerated heart rate, tight feeling in my chest etc. It's not a severe, find-me-in-the-corner-in-the-fetal-position anxiety attack, but its not pleasant. And it sucks.
I was going to write more but I now realize that it is 9:30, I still have to write my lab report, and be up at 6. So that's it for now. I'll be back on Tuesday when I get back from my "midterm break" which is simply Columbus Day weekend, but they have to give us a midterm break, so, hey, why not combine the two?
I just checked my email and found this email from my chemistry professor:
Dear Johanna,
Having now written the exam, I expect to allow the class a little extra time tomorrow. You may start at 6:45 if you wish.
Cheers,
Prof. T.
Although, one has to be insane to get a Ph.D in Organic Chemistry.
(Disclaimer: Professor. T is the best professor I have ever had, he's just fucking insane!)
Anyway, I was going to start this post with an explanation of the title, but got sidetracked by the email. So, back on track
I have ADHD. I have and anxiety disorder. what do you get when you mix Ritalin with an anxiety disorder and add pressure? A constant anxiety attack. Something in the Ritalin aggravates the anxiety disorder so that whenever I'm on my meds and under stress (Read: all the time) I have a constant sense of anxiousness, with accelerated heart rate, tight feeling in my chest etc. It's not a severe, find-me-in-the-corner-in-the-fetal-position anxiety attack, but its not pleasant. And it sucks.
I was going to write more but I now realize that it is 9:30, I still have to write my lab report, and be up at 6. So that's it for now. I'll be back on Tuesday when I get back from my "midterm break" which is simply Columbus Day weekend, but they have to give us a midterm break, so, hey, why not combine the two?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Apparently I live in the Ukraine
I've had yet another one of those weekends where on Friday I had such a productive weekend planned out, when I planned on getting completely caught up on my work, but now its Sunday evening and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, nothing productive. I did spend a good chunk of time which could have been spent on scholastic endeavors exploring sitemeter, where i learned a couple interesting tidbits.
First of all, apparently I live in the Ukraine. This is news to me as I have sadly, and not for lack of effort never traveled outside of the States. But sure enough, right there on the map of locations of visitors to my blog, was a little circle in the Ukraine labeled with my school's network. Huh.
Also, someone from a town 40 minutes away, where people I know live, has been reading this blog. As I stated in my first entry, I am looking for some level of anonymity on here, so it kinda freaks me out that someone I actually know might be reading this.
Also, someone in Florida is reading. And there's a couple dots in NYC. And then there's Crystal (I'm assuming) in Australia.
So in conclusion, this was truly a wasted weekend. I'm gonna go try and salvage it by being productive in the few hours that are left. Really, I am......
Yeah, right. I didn't even believe myself there.
First of all, apparently I live in the Ukraine. This is news to me as I have sadly, and not for lack of effort never traveled outside of the States. But sure enough, right there on the map of locations of visitors to my blog, was a little circle in the Ukraine labeled with my school's network. Huh.
Also, someone from a town 40 minutes away, where people I know live, has been reading this blog. As I stated in my first entry, I am looking for some level of anonymity on here, so it kinda freaks me out that someone I actually know might be reading this.
Also, someone in Florida is reading. And there's a couple dots in NYC. And then there's Crystal (I'm assuming) in Australia.
So in conclusion, this was truly a wasted weekend. I'm gonna go try and salvage it by being productive in the few hours that are left. Really, I am......
Yeah, right. I didn't even believe myself there.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Ritalin and Rockstar
Right now, across my schools very small campus, Gym Class Heroes are playing a concert in the campus auditorium. I don't love GCH, but they're not bad, and it would have been nice to have a little fun tonight. So why am I not at the concert? Because some genius (read: idiot) scheduled a concert on a Tuesday on a college campus that is the polar opposite of a party school, full of students who actually care a great deal about academics, and my evil Cell Biology professor rescheduled our exam for Wednesday morning. So instead of having fun like a 20 year old college student should, I am in my room doing the responsible thing- studying.
If this were a chemistry exam, I wouldn't be as worried and would totally be at the concert. In chemistry we have 7 exams per semester, they are usually steeply scaled, and our lowest exam grade gets dropped. In Cell Bio we have 3 exams, none of which get dropped, and none of which get scaled. at all. even if everyone fails. Also, the professor is notorious for putting questions on the exams about material that isn't in the text, and he only briefly mentioned in lecture.
So i'm sitting here, writing this as I chug Rockstar energy drinks and wait for the Ritalin I just took to kick in, wishing that I had chosen a less demanding major so that I could enjoy my college years. But I'll save my rant about the injustices Biochemistry majors must endure for another post- I can feel the Ritalin starting to kick in.
If this were a chemistry exam, I wouldn't be as worried and would totally be at the concert. In chemistry we have 7 exams per semester, they are usually steeply scaled, and our lowest exam grade gets dropped. In Cell Bio we have 3 exams, none of which get dropped, and none of which get scaled. at all. even if everyone fails. Also, the professor is notorious for putting questions on the exams about material that isn't in the text, and he only briefly mentioned in lecture.
So i'm sitting here, writing this as I chug Rockstar energy drinks and wait for the Ritalin I just took to kick in, wishing that I had chosen a less demanding major so that I could enjoy my college years. But I'll save my rant about the injustices Biochemistry majors must endure for another post- I can feel the Ritalin starting to kick in.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Insert Overused Emo Lyrics Here
So if I'm gonna be rambling on about myself, it would probably make things easier if I told you a little about myself so my ramblings can be put into context. So here we go:
-I am 20 years old
-I am a Biochemistry major at a University in Massachusetts which I absolutely love, but which costs $40,000 a year. Ergo, I am broke.
-I want a career in medical research.
-I was born with a birth defect called Spina Bifida (google it if you want details), and while I have enough function in my legs to walk short distances, I use a wheelchair to get around most of the time.
-I grew up in a small, conservative town and now go to a very liberal school in the city- it's amazing!
-As far as my sexual orientation goes, I have no fucking clue. I've never had much of a social life, dedicating most of my time to school, so I don't have any experience in the area to clarify things. My high school was not gay-friendly, and while I was friends with the few brave ones who came out in high school, I never felt comfortable enough to explore the possibility of being gay/bi. Now that I am in a much more welcoming environment, I've realized I'm probably at least bi, but I'm too busy with school to explore that possibility further. For the time being, I shall remain asexual.
-I have a real problem with procrastination. Right now I need to be studying for an Organic Chemistry exam, a Biochemistry quiz, writing a Cell Biology lab report, and finishing a Medical Ethics paper. Instead I am writing this.
-I am 20 years old
-I am a Biochemistry major at a University in Massachusetts which I absolutely love, but which costs $40,000 a year. Ergo, I am broke.
-I want a career in medical research.
-I was born with a birth defect called Spina Bifida (google it if you want details), and while I have enough function in my legs to walk short distances, I use a wheelchair to get around most of the time.
-I grew up in a small, conservative town and now go to a very liberal school in the city- it's amazing!
-As far as my sexual orientation goes, I have no fucking clue. I've never had much of a social life, dedicating most of my time to school, so I don't have any experience in the area to clarify things. My high school was not gay-friendly, and while I was friends with the few brave ones who came out in high school, I never felt comfortable enough to explore the possibility of being gay/bi. Now that I am in a much more welcoming environment, I've realized I'm probably at least bi, but I'm too busy with school to explore that possibility further. For the time being, I shall remain asexual.
-I have a real problem with procrastination. Right now I need to be studying for an Organic Chemistry exam, a Biochemistry quiz, writing a Cell Biology lab report, and finishing a Medical Ethics paper. Instead I am writing this.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Only the Good Die Young
I don't know if anyone is reading this, but right now I don't care. I need to get this out.
A year ago this past Friday my friend Adam died. He was only in my life for 3 months, but I am forever changed.
Adam was paralyzed from the chest down due to a snow mobile accident when he was a teenager. As the title of this blog suggests, I am also physically disabled. Adam and i met while working at a summer camp for disabled kids in Maine. He was everything I wanted to be- outgoing, happy, friendly, courageous. Logic would suggest that someone who was paralyzed in a snowmobile accident would be a somewhat cautious driver. Not Adam, he drove like a madman.
Adam was the perfect example of how everyone, not just people with physical disabilities, should live. He was fearless and never let his physical limitations get in the way of anything. He worked hard to get what he wanted, and never for a moment beleived that he wasn't able to.
During the summer of 2006, a year after I met him, Adam was in and out of the hospital for what I had assumed were minor, non-life-threatening procedures. I knew he was having the common complications such as bed sores and infection, but whenever I talked to his girlfriend it seemed like he was on the road to recovery. He was even gaining some function back in one of his arms.
Then one night in mid-September I checked my email and found an email saying that Adam had passed. I was shocked. How could such a strong person who I admired so much die at 27?
A year later and it seems like everyone has moved on. Our fellow co-workers don't mention him, his girlfriend is dating someone new. But I still think about him. And I don't want to ever stop remembering him. he will always be my inspiration, my hero. He will always be the greatest person I have ever known.
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
A year ago this past Friday my friend Adam died. He was only in my life for 3 months, but I am forever changed.
Adam was paralyzed from the chest down due to a snow mobile accident when he was a teenager. As the title of this blog suggests, I am also physically disabled. Adam and i met while working at a summer camp for disabled kids in Maine. He was everything I wanted to be- outgoing, happy, friendly, courageous. Logic would suggest that someone who was paralyzed in a snowmobile accident would be a somewhat cautious driver. Not Adam, he drove like a madman.
Adam was the perfect example of how everyone, not just people with physical disabilities, should live. He was fearless and never let his physical limitations get in the way of anything. He worked hard to get what he wanted, and never for a moment beleived that he wasn't able to.
During the summer of 2006, a year after I met him, Adam was in and out of the hospital for what I had assumed were minor, non-life-threatening procedures. I knew he was having the common complications such as bed sores and infection, but whenever I talked to his girlfriend it seemed like he was on the road to recovery. He was even gaining some function back in one of his arms.
Then one night in mid-September I checked my email and found an email saying that Adam had passed. I was shocked. How could such a strong person who I admired so much die at 27?
A year later and it seems like everyone has moved on. Our fellow co-workers don't mention him, his girlfriend is dating someone new. But I still think about him. And I don't want to ever stop remembering him. he will always be my inspiration, my hero. He will always be the greatest person I have ever known.
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Hello Cruel World
Up until I entered college, I had a therapist I went to on a regular basis. The frequency changed as my life changed, and the face of the therapist changed as I got older. When I started college, I had the brilliant idea to stop seeing a therapist. The past three years have been the most stressful of my life, and to deal with the stress I have made unsuspecting individuals in my life into stand-in therapists.
About 6 months ago I got sucked into this virtual blogging world. Back in high school I had a livejournal, but gave up on that when I graduated. I do, however remember the therapeutic experience of spilling my guts out into cyberland. So, you, my hypothetically existent readers are my new surrogate therapists.
I say hypothetically existent because I am not going to tell any of my real life friends about the existence of this blog. I can call them up any time and complain about my life. There's something more effective about getting feedback and empathy from strangers.
A little warning: this blog will not be filled with the same fascinating literary brilliance as found in the blogs seen on the blogroll to the side there. I'm a science major; I don't do creative writing. Also, since I'm not actively going to promote this blog in any way, I have no idea if anyone will find it and read it. So if you do find yourself reading these words, please leave a comment just so I know that someone out there is listening.
About 6 months ago I got sucked into this virtual blogging world. Back in high school I had a livejournal, but gave up on that when I graduated. I do, however remember the therapeutic experience of spilling my guts out into cyberland. So, you, my hypothetically existent readers are my new surrogate therapists.
I say hypothetically existent because I am not going to tell any of my real life friends about the existence of this blog. I can call them up any time and complain about my life. There's something more effective about getting feedback and empathy from strangers.
A little warning: this blog will not be filled with the same fascinating literary brilliance as found in the blogs seen on the blogroll to the side there. I'm a science major; I don't do creative writing. Also, since I'm not actively going to promote this blog in any way, I have no idea if anyone will find it and read it. So if you do find yourself reading these words, please leave a comment just so I know that someone out there is listening.
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